Final Fantasy: Mayhem
by A.M. Marketis
Summary: Quite an complex story for a comerdy but read please, Stars charactors from FF 7,8 and 9, and more may come in later...first story so be nice. R&R please (Note: I dont own any characters in this story. they belong to Square soft)
1. Chapter I: Off to save the world AGAIN

CHAPTER 1.  
  
A year later, Tifa walks to Cloud's door.  
  
TIFA: He will be over Aeris's death by now.  
  
She knocks on the door. Cloud answers it. He's wearing nothing but his boxers.  
  
TIFA: Well Cloud...........Cloud! You could of got dressed first!  
CLOUD: Just got up. Brain no workings.  
TIFA: But its 4 o'clock in the afternoon!  
CLOUD: I've misplaced my clothing.  
TIFA: Whatever... Can we talk?  
CLOUD: Come in.  
  
They go in and sit in Cloud's living room.  
  
TIFA: So Cloud, any plans tonight.  
CLOUD: Go to bed?  
TIFA: Before that.  
CLOUD: Get pissed at the pub?  
TIFA: Oh don't do that!  
CLOUD: Why not?  
TIFA: Because, would you like to....  
  
Aeris walks in, Cloud stares but Tifa hasn't noticed.  
TIFA: ....go out with me?  
  
Cloud isn't listening.  
  
TIFA: Cloud, what are you looking...  
  
She turns and sees Aeris.  
  
TIFA: AAAAAAAAGGGHH!  
AERIS: Yes Tifa, and a good evening to you to.  
CLOUD: Hello Aeris.  
AERIS: Hello.  
CLOUD: I thought you were dead!  
AERIS: No, that's just the smell I give off.  
CLOUD: But Sephiroth....  
AERIS: I came back to warn you.  
TIFF: Off what?  
  
Aeris drags them both outside and points up wards, meteor is in the sky again.  
  
AERIS: You know what this means?  
CLOUD: Yeah! Who ever wrote this story is lacking originality.  
AERIS: NO! We are off to save the world again!  
TIFA: Not till Cloud re-locates his clothing.  
AERIS: NO TIME! Look, just wear this!  
  
She gives Cloud a dress.  
  
TIFA: A dress?  
CLOUD: Cool. Thanks.  
TIFA: Huh?  
CLOUD: And I got to do my hair!  
AERIS: By the time you've done that were be dead!  
TIFA: Just put the dress on and let's go!  
AERIS: Lets see if Vince wants to come?  
CLOUD: What? That freak? NO WAY!  
AERIS: We will need all the help we can get.  
  
They ran into the shrina mansion and went into the secret tunnel. Cloud walked right into the door of Vincent's room.  
  
CLOUD: Hey, it's locked.  
  
Cloud knocks on the door.  
  
CLOUD: Hey Vince, we are going to save the world again, wanna come.  
  
No answer  
  
TIFA: Maybe we have to get the key from that safe again.  
AERIS: No way! Last time we did that a monster came out!  
TIFA: Cloud can do it!  
CLOUD: No he wont.  
AERIS: Oh come on! For me? Pretty pretty please?  
CLOUD: Fine.  
  
Cloud goes to open the safe. Tifa and Aeris take cover.  
  
CLOUD: What the? The code is different! SHIT! Okay, errrrrrrrm... I can't get it!  
  
He bangs his fist on the safe, it opens.  
  
CLOUD: Oh, it was already open.  
  
He peeks in side and this impossibly huge monster comes out!  
  
CLOUD: How did you get in there?  
  
It roars, Cloud Gives a girly scream. Its whacks him, sending him two foot deep into a wall! He climbs out.  
  
CLOUD: Okay! Die!!!  
  
He gets out the ultimate weapon and pathetically starts hacking the monsters toe nail! The monster yawns and flicks Cloud using his finger. Cloud flies into another wall.  
  
CLOUD: Okay you asked for it!  
  
He creates a comet using magic and sends it flying at the monster. It hits it between the legs.  
  
MONSTER: AAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!  
  
It collapses! Cloud takes the key. As he leaves the room Tifa and Aeris appear.  
  
TIFA: You Okay?  
CLOUD: Next time we have to do that your doing it!  
  
They go down the tunnel and into Vincent's room.  
  
VINCENT: Who dears awaken me from my slumber. Who is it?  
TIFA: Hi Vince. It's us again.  
VINCENT: Can't I ever get a good, decent nap?  
TIFA: What are you on about? You've slept in the coffin for years!  
CLOUD: Yeah! Get a life man.  
TIFA: Come on Vince! Were off to save the world again!  
VINCENT: You and your hobbies...  
CLOUD: Wanna come?  
VINCENT: Will I meet Hojo?  
TIFA: I don't think so... we did kill him remember?  
VINCENT: Oh yeah! Well leave me to my sleep!  
CLOUD: Be like that pasty face! Lets go girls.  
  
The three drive in the red buggy for Cosmo canyon. Cloud still in a dress.  
  
AERIS: We gotta see if red wants to come.  
TIFA: Who else should we see?  
CLOUD: Not yuffie!  
AERIS: Don't worry, she's now part of Seed!  
CLOUD: Really?  
  
At balanb garden Squall, zell and yuffie are playing cards with a group of people.  
  
SQUALL: Damn you beaten me, how?  
ZELL: With this ace in the hole card!  
YUFFIE: Hey! It's got your face on it!  
ZELL: So it has! How did that get on it?  
SQUALL: Look at you on it. Sure is ugly, smells, wet and got moss where the nose is.  
YUFFIE: And the card isn't so good either!  
ZELL: Was that a joke?  
YUFFIE: Wish it were!  
ZELL: Grrrrrrrr.....  
SQUALL: Ha! Didn't see that coming did ya! You lose Hat Boy!  
Vivi: NOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Deep piano noise.  
  
The buggy reached Cosmo Canyon. The guy at the entrance greeted cloud and the girls.  
  
GUY: Why hello there, here to discover the planets deep mysteries?  
CLOUD: No, we just want to see RED XIII.  
GUY: Oh well.  
  
Red XIII comes to greet them.  
  
RED XIII: Hi guys, what you doing here?  
TIFA: How come no one has noticed there's a meteor coming this way?  
RED XIII: Again? Well obvelessy this must be the doing of our recent nemesis and I segest we head for our main transportation owned by our ally pilot and go to the most likely place where this villain is stationary.  
CLOUD: What did he say?  
TIFA: He said its Sephiroth doing it and we should get the Highwind and fly to the crater.  
CLOUD: Oh.  
AERIS: To rocket town!  
  
The buggy heads for Rocket town.  
  
AERIS: Tifa, got any contact with Barret yet?  
  
Tifa is talking on the PHS phone.  
  
TIFA: ...and I was like, whatever.. So who are you going out with? What? He didn't! Really? WOW!  
CLOUD: TIFA!  
TIFA: Sorry, got to go, c ya.  
CLOUD: Tifa! Did you contact Barrett yet?  
TIFA: Yeah, he can't come. Hes busy protesting against the new super market plan for Coral.  
CLOUD: I fill sorry for the developer management. 


	2. Chapter II: Highwind, and Game of cards

Final Fantasy: Mayhem  
  
CHAPTER 2.  
  
CLOUD: Oh oh, big grezzys with weapons the size of big ben at 12 o clock.  
TIFA: What, monsters?  
CLOUD: Yeah! But don't worry, were safe in here!  
RED: I disagree, on are recent adventure the abnormalys were capable of removing our personals from this transportation...  
CLOUD: What are you dribblering on about?  
TIFA: The monsters can get us in here! Don't you remember Cloud?  
CLOUD: Oh yeah. I was thinking of Final Fantasy 8!  
  
The buggy door was forced open and the monsters arms grabbed our hero's.  
  
CLOUD: Shit! Isn't my day.  
  
The monsters dragged Cloud and his buddies out of the buggy, beat the crap out of them, stole their wallets and went to the buggy and drove it away.  
  
The gang had to walk the rest of the way to Rocket town. When they arrived they saw the launch pad for the now gone rocket was transformed into a runway for the highwind.  
  
TIFA: Wow, the Highwind.  
CLOUD: Yeah, sorry about that. It was that curry I had yesterday.  
TIFA:Errrm..right.  
  
They walked into the highwind and found Cid working on the mechanics.  
  
CLOUD: Yo Cid man!  
  
Cid raised his head witch hitted a pipe that was above him.  
  
CID: OWIE!  
  
He turned and saw Cloud.  
  
CID: YOU! YOU FUCKING BASTARD!  
CLOUD: Cid! Mind your langrage!  
TIFA: Yeah, the kiddies wont be able to read this now!  
CID: What do you want then?  
CLOUD: Take highwind to crater and kill sepy again.  
CID: He's back? Will he ever die?  
TIFA: So will you fly us there?  
CID: Okay, need a good excuse to bunk off doing shira's washing.  
CLOUD: Hurruh! Lets get this bird of the ground.  
CID: Right you are, ole skip, be up in a jiffy!  
TIFA: What's with the crap British accent Cid.  
  
Cid runs to the bridge of the highwind and to the controls.  
  
CID: Tally ho!  
  
He brings his goggles down on his eyes and starts the engine up. The highwind took flight speeding away into the sky. Shira came running out of Cid's house.  
  
SHIRA: CID COME BACK HERE! COME BACK AND.....ugh he can't hear me. I'm an idiot.  
  
As the highwind soured across the heavens at increaderball speed everyone inside was being tossed to and through. Cloud hitted a wall, Tifa grabbed for the railings to stay up, Red was flying all over the place and Aeris fell on her but.  
  
TIFA: Cid! Stop tossing us about!  
  
Cid gets all defensive.  
  
CID: I am bloody well not! How dear you....oh you mean toss as in that....  
CLOUD: Can you fly this thing Cid?  
RED: If I recall correctly, Cid only polited this craft once but then he needed assiance from his fellow assiants.  
CLOUD: I nearly understood that!  
CID: Ugh, it's true, dash it all! I can't fly this thing for toffee!  
TIFA: Oh.... shit.  
CLOUD: Crap.  
CID: Bolocks!  
  
The highwind crashed.  
  
Meanwhile at Balamb garden....  
Squall and his chums were still playing cards.  
  
SQUALL: So boring when there's no work to do.  
ZELL: Yeah.  
  
Then the Pokemon characters came in.  
  
SQUALL: HEY! Didn't you read the sign! Final fantasy characters only!  
ASH: Then what is Solid Snake doing here?  
  
Solid snake peers from behind his cards.  
  
ZELL: He's got cash.  
ASH: Okay, but there wasn't a sign!  
  
Squall writes Final fantasy characters only on a piece of paper and looks for a place to stick it.  
  
SQUALL: Erm....  
  
He sticks it on Zell's face.  
  
SQUALL: There! Now go away!  
ASH: Make us.  
  
Squall sets the Pokemon characters on fire by using magic. They run off screaming, leaving Pikachu.  
  
PIKACHU: Pika pika!  
  
Solid snake gets out a weapon.  
  
SOLID SNAKE: Die little rodent! DIE!  
SQUALL: Snake. I know you like shooting animals but if you shoot that thing you can forget our little agreement.  
SOLID SNAKE: Grrr..fine.  
  
Yuffie runs into the room.  
  
YUFFIE: HEAD MASTER CID IS COMING!  
SQUALL: Quick! He can't know we were laying strip poker!  
  
Squall and Yuffie clear away the cards. Solid snake hid in a box in a corner of the room and Yuffie put a lamp head over Vivi and put him on a desk.  
  
SQUALL: Ugh! Almost forgot Pikachu!  
  
Squall couldn't find any were to hide Pikachu so stuffed him into this pants. They sat at their desk as head master Cid came in.  
  
H.CID: Hello Seeds, as you all know, Garden is knowned for sending stupidly young teens of to war as mercenaries to whatever force seems most questionable and inefficient, and now is no different.  
  
Head Master Cid does that gay thing where he puts his hands behind his back and looks at every one.  
  
H.CID: Zell? What's that on your face?  
  
ZELL: Ack!  
  
Zell takes the sign Squall wrote off his face. Head Master Cid shrugged. Suddenly that military music that always plays when there's a briefing is played.  
  
SQUALL: Where's that music coming from?  
  
Head Master Cid went to the lamp that really is Vivi disguised. He pulled Vivi's arm thinking it was the switch and Vivi's eyes glowed through the head lamp very brightly.  
  
H.CID: That's better. Now. A gang has requested three Seeds, and I've decided you three are the most suitable cadets.  
  
He looks at every one in that gay way again.  
  
H.CID: You are to meet there leader at the old Coral Village near the gold saucer and...  
  
PIKACHU: Pikachu!  
  
H.CID: What was that?  
  
Squall fells Pikachu moving about his pants.  
  
SQUALL: Down boy! Down!  
  
H.CID: Squall, you really need to harness your manly hood there!  
  
Squall blushes. Yuffie and Zell laughed. Suddenly sparks of electricity started shooting out of Squall's pants.  
  
H.CID: That's ugh...very active down stairs you have Squall.  
  
Suddenly Squall's pants exploded! Head Master Cid removed a piece of Squall's underwear from his hair.  
  
H.CID: Interesting.  
  
Suddenly Vivi decided to run at this moment. But Head Master Cid saw him go.  
  
H.CID: Also interesting  
  
Vivi still disguised as a lamp ran out of the room and down the hall.  
  
H.CID: I think Ill get out of here before something else happens!  
  
Head Master Cid ran out of the room.  
  
YUFFIE: You all right Squall?  
  
SQUALL: (High pitched voice) Ill be fine!  
  
ZELL: Lets take him to the infirmary.  
  
The three Seeds leave. Leaving a certain cardboard box.  
  
SOLID SNAKE: Is the coast clear?  
  
The Garden janitor comes in.  
  
SOLID SNAKE: Crap.  
  
The janitor looks at the box.  
  
JANITOR: Quitis's dorm huh?  
  
Quistis came to her dorm and saw the cardboard box.  
  
QUISTIS: MY PARCEL HAS ARRIVED!  
  
She opens it.  
  
QUISTIS: YES! JUST WHAT I ORDERED FOR! A BIG BEARDED MAN! 


	3. Chapter III: A new GF and a dream of the...

CHAPTER 3.  
  
Squall, Zell and Yuffie waited outside the Garden. Squall had a new pair of pants and Pikachu sat on Zell's shoulder.  
  
YUFFIE: Zell? Why have you still have got that Animal with you?  
  
ZELL: I am gonna be a Pokemon Master!!!!!!  
  
SQUALL: Erm…. right…..whatever  
  
Head master Cid came.  
  
H.CID: (To himself) Now calm down, it was nothing but delusions caused by over work. Pants can't explode, Lamps cant run off.  
  
He sees Squall  
  
H.CID: AAAAGGHH!!!  
  
Zell hides Pikachu behind his back  
  
H.CID: Now calm down…. okay  
  
He looks at everyone in that way yet again  
  
H.CID: Well, you know where to go. This is where I say my final farewells, when you get to Corel you need to tell someone this password.  
  
He whispers the password into Squall's ear  
  
H.CID: Last thing, as you know it's also traditional for me to give Seeds cursed antics before they go on a mission.  
  
He gives Squall an antic pot  
  
H.CID: Well good luck and….  
  
PICKACHU: Pickachu!!!!!  
  
H.CID: AGGGGHHH!!! The voice again!!!!!  
  
Head master Cid runs off screaming  
  
SQUALL: ………..  
  
ZELL: ……………  
  
YUFFIE: ………….  
  
PIKACHU: ………….  
  
Squall looks up  
  
SQUALL: Hey, there's a meteor in the sky!  
  
YUFFIE: It can't be!!!!  
  
SQUALL: I will send a message to head master about that  
  
He gets out Chicobo and writes an note and ties it to Chicobo's leg  
  
SQUALL: To Cid Chicobo!!!  
  
The baby Chocobo flew off. Squall looked at the pot Head master cid gave him  
  
SQUALL: Last time Cid gave us a cursed antic a Guardian Force came out.  
  
YUFFIE: What's a Guardian Force?  
  
SQUALL: Don't you know?  
  
Squall has idea  
  
SQUALL: Here you open it.  
  
YUFFIE: Why? What will happen?  
  
SQUALL: I think it has Heroine in it!  
  
YUFFIE: Drugs! Yay!  
  
Yuffie opens the pot, Squall and Zell run for it and take cover. An impossibly big Guardian Force comes out of the pot.  
  
YUFFIE: Why do big monsters always hung about in tiny objects?  
  
The Guardian Force beated the crap out of Yuffie and left her K'Oed and was about to fly away  
  
SQUALL: Hey don't go!  
  
GF: Why? Ya wanna fight?  
  
ZELL: Can't we do something less violent?  
  
GF: Like what?  
  
SQUALL: How about a riddle? If I win you're my Guardian Force!  
  
GF: Okay, hit me with one!  
  
SQUALL: Erm…what's in my pocket?  
  
GF: You got that from the Hobbit!  
  
SQUALL: How you know?  
  
GF: Cause I am Bilbo Baggins!  
  
ZELL: Bilbo Baggins is a Guardian Force?  
  
SQUALL: Whatever….so?  
  
BILBO: You've got a ring!  
  
SQUALL: Nope  
  
BILBO: Shit!  
  
SQUALL: Two more goes  
  
BILBO: A Chicibo?  
  
SQUALL: Not anymore  
  
BILBO: Nothing?  
  
SQUALL: Nope, you lose  
  
BILBO: Aw all right, I will be your Guardian Force!  
  
ZELL: What did you have in your pocket anyway?  
  
SQUALL: My Porno magazine!  
  
Meanwhile, in his office Head master Cid was cowering under his desk.  
  
H.CID: Evil voice! Voice bad!  
  
ZU: Oh for goodness sake! I am gonna have to call the Garden's therapist again!  
  
Then Squall's baby Chicobo flies in  
  
ZU: Look Cid sir, a harmless Chicobo  
  
H.CID: Awwwww  
  
He comes out from under his desk, and Chicobo craps on him.  
  
H.CID: ………….  
  
Zu takes Chicobo and un-ties the message from his leg  
  
ZU: It reads….looks outside.  
  
H.CID: Oh? Wonder he……..Aggghhhh meteor aagggh!  
  
Head master Cid hides under his desk again.  
  
ZU: Guess we're gonna have to send a Group to investigate that. Looks like the doings of a Sorceress.  
  
Zu writes a meassage and tied it to Chicobo's leg and he flies off.  
  
H.CID: Zu?  
  
ZU: Yeah sir?  
  
H.CID: I need a new pair of Y-fronts  
  
ZU: Oh ewwww  
  
Squall, Zell and Yuffie was walking into a train carriage at Balamb, Pikachu still sat on Zell's shoulder. Zell was singing.  
  
ZELL: Pokemon gotta catch them all!  
  
SQUALL: Zell, if you don't stop singing, I will make your face look like a Pokemon's!  
  
Pikachu electrocutes Squall.  
  
SQUALL: Sigh….another pair of good under-wear ruined.  
  
YUFFIE: Ewwwww  
  
They sat in the Seed's special carriage, the Train started moving. Suddenly Yuffie passed out.  
  
SQUALL: So what's new?  
  
Then Zell passed out.  
  
SQUALL: Oh no! Damn Ellone, why this again?  
  
Squall then passed out.  
  
Zidane and Garnet was being lectured by Steiner and Beatrix about how to rule a kingdom.  
  
ZIDANE: (imitating) Blah blah blah  
  
Steiner and Beatrix kept lecturing ignoring Zidane  
  
ZIDANE: Blah blah blah….man they don't stop do they?  
  
GARNET: Yeah, they don't even seem aware we are not listening to them, they are just gibbering on  
  
ZIDANE: I have an idea  
  
A moment later Steiner and Beatrix are still lecturing, but where Zidane and Garnet once sat were two dummies dressed up like them. Steiner and Beatrix lectured on not realising this.  
  
STEINER: And another thing……!  
  
The Dummie Zidane's head fell off  
  
BEATRIX: Zidane! Your head has fallen off!  
  
STEINER: Huh?  
  
By the time they realised they were talking to dummies, Zidane and Garnet were travelling to the Black mage village on the back of Bobby Corwen. The mages gave him to Zidane when they had too many Chocobos. They soon arrived at the village; suddenly a sound that sounded like a stampede could be heard.  
  
ZIDANE: Oh no the kids!  
  
Suddenly Vivi's children all appeared and bundled Zidane and knocked him over and covered him.  
  
VIVI'S KIDS: Uncle Zidane!!! We missed you!  
  
ZIDANE: Get off me  
  
Garnet went to an adult black sage  
  
GARNET: You know where Vivi is?  
  
SAGE: Haven't seen him since he went to play cards with the guys at Garden  
  
Suddenly one of Vivi's sons came to Garnet holding a Condom  
  
VIVI'S SON: Aunt Garnet! I found this in Zidane's pocket! What is it?  
  
ZIDANE: Gimme that!  
  
Zidane grabbed the Condom. Garnet looks at Zidane frowning  
  
ZIDANE: Ermm…I mean, its not my. Here kid…..and through it away!  
  
He gives it back to the little mage  
  
GARNET: Hmmmmm…  
  
ZIDANE: (Sweat drops)  
  
GARNET: Hmmmmmmm…..  
  
ZIDANE: You know I always wondered how Vivi could have children since he is only a child.  
  
GARNET: Don't change the subject!  
  
ZIDANE: (Sweat drops)  
  
GARENT: Ill deal with you later, we have to find Vivi! I am sure he shouldn't be gone this long!  
  
Zidane and Garnet left the village, Vivi's children playing with Zidane's Condom. One of them wraps it over there're hat  
  
VIVI'S SON: Woho!!! A hat cover!  
  
Squall woke up along with Zell and Yuffie.  
  
SQUALL: I had this strange dream where I was this strange guy with a tail!  
  
ZELL: Yeah and I was his girl friend who was the Queen!  
  
YUFFIE: Yeah and I was this fat computer nerd called Norman  
  
SQUALL AND ZELL: NORMAN???  
  
SQUALL: They were looking for Vivi, that's that guy we were playing cards with! Wonder where he is now?  
  
ZELL: Dunno, but that knight sure was ugly!  
  
SQUALL: I agree!  
  
The train stopped  
  
ZELL: Our stop!  
  
SQUALL: Ellone….. What's going on? 


	4. Chapter IV: Washing in my bathtub

1 CHAPTER 4  
  
Sephiroth was enjoying a quiet bath in his room in the North crater. As he washed his body he sung  
  
SEPHIROTH: Washing in my bathtub, washing my toes  
  
Washing in my bathtub felling the water go  
  
People say I am evil, some people call me mean  
  
But I am in my bathtub getting myself clean  
  
Washing in my bathtub is so fun  
  
Washing in my bathtub washing my bum  
  
People say stupid and not keen  
  
But I am washing in my bathtub getting myself clean  
  
Cloud in his uniform, Tifa in her skirty  
  
Always never bathe and get so dirty  
  
They should have a bath in once in a while  
  
Cause if they do their friends will smile  
  
Washing in my bathtub, the water so thick  
  
Washing in my bathtub, washing my dick  
  
People always think I am up to some scheme  
  
But I am only in my bathtub, getting my self-clean  
  
Washing in my bathtub, the bubbles have started  
  
Washing in my bathtub, and I have Farted  
  
People say I am bad, but they've never seen…  
  
...me in my Bathtub, getting myself clean  
  
Suddenly the Highwind crashed into the Crater smashing half of Sephy's room  
  
SEPHIROTH: Oh gosh! They have sunk my toy boat!  
  
Cloud ran onto the deck of the Highwind, followed by Tifa, Cid, Red XIII and Aeris.  
  
RED XIII: What shear luck! To our convenience we have arrived at our intended destination, our arch nemesis's abode!  
  
CLOUD: Tifa?  
  
TIFA: He said we have landed in Sephy's room  
  
CID: Oh brilliant! Come on chaps! Lets bash the sod while his trousers are down and get back home for tea and bisgits!  
  
Cid leaped of the Highwind into Sephy's room, Red XIII followed.  
  
CLOUD: You guys are crazy!  
  
Cloud tossed the rope ladder over the side of the deck and climbed down followed by Tifa and Aeris  
  
CID: Agh shit! Where's my goddamn tea!? You silly numbskulls! I wanna go into space!  
  
TIFA: Cids back to normal  
  
The gang ran to Sephy drawing their weapons  
  
CLOUD: Sephiroth!  
  
SEPHIROTH: Cloud, in a dress?….and I thought I was on the wrong side!  
  
CID: Prepare to be defeated….Erm…Again!  
  
SEPHIROTH: Ahuh! I think not!  
  
Sephy casts Supernova!  
  
SEPHIROTH: You will all die! Ga hahahaha!  
  
TIFA: What are you talking about?  
  
SEPHIROTH: I have casted Supernova! You will all die!…..well once it gets here that is  
  
CLOUD: Once it gets here?  
  
SEPHIROTH: That's right  
  
He hums as he sits and waits  
  
SEPHIROTH: Should be twenty minutes till it passes Pluto  
  
CID: Enough of this shit! I want you on my wall! Lets kill him!  
  
SEPHIROTH: Agggghhhhh!!!!  
  
Cloud, Tifa And Cid pull Sephy out of his bath and he hits the ground, they all look at his nude and fragile body for an moment  
  
TIFA: So small  
  
CLOUD: Yeah, his nose is isn't it?  
  
TIFA: I wasn't talking about his nose  
  
Then they attacked him. Cloud slashed with the Ultimate weapon, Tifa punched, Red XIII with his headdress and Cid with his spear. After repeated beatings they K,Oed him  
  
CID: Yay! We have defeated him!  
  
ALL BUT SEPHIROTH: (sing in victory) TRA DA DA DA LA TE DA!  
  
Sephy moaned as he came to  
  
CLOUD: Heads up! He's still alive!  
  
CID: Die you bastard! Die!  
  
Cid repeatingley kicked Sephy in the nuts  
  
CID: Die! Die! Die! Die!  
  
The others just looked on in amazement  
  
CID: Die! Die! Die! Die!  
  
SEPHIROTH: (high pitched voice) Okay calm down!  
  
Cid kicked Sephy in the nuts once more  
  
CID: Why wont you die?  
  
SEPHIROTH: Cause your weak. Now when your quite finished preventing me from having kids, can you lot tell me what this is all about?  
  
CLOUD: You summoned Meteor again!  
  
SEPHIROTH: No I didn't  
  
TIFA: What's that then?  
  
She pointed to the sky, Sephy looked up  
  
SEPHIROTH: Hey, there is a Meteor up there  
  
CLOUD: You didn't do it?  
  
SEPHIROTH: No, why did you think it was me?  
  
TIFA: Because you tried it before maybe?  
  
SEPHIROTH: Well okay……But it isn't me now! Anyway who started this crusade of yours?  
  
Cid pointed at Red XIII, Tifa and Cloud. Red XIII pointed at Tifa and Cloud. Tifa and Cloud pointed at Aeris…..to find out she wasn't there.  
  
CLOUD: Hey where is she?  
  
SEPHIROTH: Who?  
  
TIFA: Aeris!  
  
SEPHIROTH: I thought I killed her?  
  
CLOUD: Ah! But she came back!  
  
TIFA: Yeah, right Red and Cid?  
  
CID: What the hell are you talking about?  
  
RED XIII: I don't recall seeing our now deceased comrade  
  
CLOUD: Speak English!  
  
TIFA: But she was with us!  
  
SEPHIROTH: I wouldn't trust the word of a spiked guy in a dress and his short skirt friend  
  
CID: Obvelessly Cloud and Tifa are the ones behind the Meteor trying to set up poor Sephy here!  
  
Cid hugs Sephy  
  
SEPHIROTH: I am so loved  
  
RED XIII: No shit Sherlock! Cloud and Tifa are the real villains!  
  
Everyone stares at Red XIII for his use of language  
  
RED XIII: What? I had to say something new at some point  
  
SEPHIROTH: Lets kill Cloud and Tifa!  
  
RED AND CID: Yay!  
  
CLOUD: Oh no! Brown panties time!  
  
TIFA: Run!  
  
Cloud and Tifa ran, With Red XIII and Cid in pursuit, Sephy lagging behind cause he has to walk slow cause Cid kicked him too many times. Tifa climbed the Highwind's rope ladder with Cloud right behind  
  
CLOUD: Tifa, you have a nice tight ass when you panic, you know that?  
  
TIFA: PERV!  
  
Tifa kicks Cloud in the head and he loses grip pf the ladder and falls and lands on Cid who was starting to climb the ladder. The landing K,Oed Cid  
  
CLOUD: Sorry dude!  
  
And with that Cloud stole Cid's Cigarettes and climbed the ladder again. Tifa got to the bridge and pulled the Emergency leaver, the Highwind turned into it's rocket form and blasted off, Final fantasy 7 theme playing as it did.  
  
TIFA: Where's that cool music coming from?  
  
Meanwhile Cloud was still on the rope ladder clinging on for dear life. He looked down to see Red XIII at the bottom, also hanging on. Red XIII started climbing the ladder  
  
RED XIII: I am going to exterminate you by using the spiked headdress apone my skull!  
  
CLOUD: No idea what you just said! But I didn't like the way you said it!  
  
Cloud cuts the rope ladder about from his mid-section using the ultimate weapon, the cutted ladder plummeted to Earth with Red XIII still on it. Cloud now hung at the newly made bottom of the rope ladder, he climbed his way up onto the Deck  
  
CLOUD: Ahuh! We got away! Hey Sephiroth! Nah nah! Eat this!  
  
Cloud pulled his pants down and Moonies at the crater, suddenly a sea gale that was flying in his direction came contact with his butt and it's beak got stuck!  
  
CLOUD: Agghhhh! Tifa! Sephiroth has got my butt!  
  
He runs into the bridge  
  
CLOUD: Sephiroths got my butt!  
  
TIFA: Lucky bastard  
  
Cloud ran into Tifa making her lose control of the Highwind and it crash into a cliff. Back at the Crater Cid awakes  
  
CID: Where I am I?  
  
SEPHIROTH: Cid! You letted them get away!  
  
CIDS: Where's my Cigs?  
  
Suddenly Red XIII landed on Cid, K,Oing him again  
  
SEPHIROTH: What a day, and I haven't even got dressed yet  
  
The Highwind had it's nose stuck into the Earth of the Cliff, it just hung there like a knife in a wall  
  
TIFA: You don't think the chapter will end here do you?  
  
CLOUD: Proberly will  
  
TIFA: Sigh…..A cliff-hanger!  
  
CLOUD: Yeah, the author sure has a sense of humour 


	5. Chapter V: Dildo INC

CHAPTER 5.  
  
Squall, Zell and Yuffie got off at Coral station. They approached a man who was in fact Reeves.  
  
REEVES: Oh my, how times changed.  
  
This was the cue for Squall's password.  
  
SQUALL: Yeah, but the fat bastard is still about.  
  
REEVES: You can say that again! Speaking of which, he is our boss. So you're the Seeds they sent huh? Come this way.  
  
Reeves lead them behind a pub and entered a door.  
  
REEVES: This is our Head quarters! Erm can one of you wake the boss up? He's having his naptime.  
  
SQUALL: I will  
  
Squall entered a room Reeves pointed at, he saw Barret sleeping on a pink bed. Squall shakes him.  
  
SQUALL: Wakey wakey.  
  
Barret sucks his own thumb.  
  
BARRET: I don't want to go to school mommy  
  
SQUALL: Hey wake up!  
  
Barret awakes.  
  
BARRET: Hey your…..you are Seed?  
  
SQUALL: Yeah, there are two others with me.  
  
BARRET: Yay Seed is here!  
  
He leaps and swings round Squall, but he's so huge Squall falls over and Barret flattens him.  
  
BARRET: Okay, wont do that again.  
  
Soon the gang, Squall, Zell, Yuffie, Barret and Reeves was around a table.  
  
BARRET: okay, were a small…….  
  
REEVES: Very small  
  
Barret slaps Reeves  
  
BARRET: Small protest group! We are protesting against a company called 'Decent Intelligence of Local Decarbonation Organation.  
  
SQUALL: Dildo INC?????!  
  
BARRET: That's right, other wise knowed as that. They used to provide intelligence of decaying buildings, but now there into super markets!  
  
SQUALL: Super markets?  
  
YUFFIE: That's wack!  
  
BARRET: Questions after the briefing, the next one to speak gets a slap  
  
PIKACHU: Pickachu!  
  
Barret slaps Zell thinking it was him.  
  
ZELL: Bossy bastard.  
  
BARRET: We are to protest outside a planed site for a super market. Now any questions?  
  
SQUALL: Yeah, were protesting, why do you need us Seeds for?  
  
BARRET: Well, we needed more members.  
  
SQUALL: Can we see the Garden contract?  
  
Barret hands Squall a piece of paper.  
  
BARRET: Head master Cid is such a nice man.  
  
SQUALL: What the hell?  
  
BARRET: Oh yeah, that ones confusing, here  
  
He hands Squall another sheet  
  
BARRET: Cids such a nice man  
  
SQUALL: (Reading) Me, Zell and Yuffie are contracted forever to Barret unless something bad happens or……The Seeds can climb mount Everest and defeat the winged Joka wock in the nude.  
  
ZELL: Damn, guess there's no choice.  
  
SQUALL: Yeah, only one thing to do…..Lets find that Jocka wock!!  
  
BARRET: No! You have to help us! I might even put something your way as reward if you do.  
  
Barret winks at Squall  
  
SQUALL: AAAAAAAGH!  
  
Then Barret produces cash from his pocket  
  
SQUALL: Oh phew! You meant money!  
  
BARRET: So do we have a deal?  
  
SQUALL: Okay, we'll do it  
  
Soon Squall, Zell and Yuffie were making Protest posters and signs. Barret went to see Yuffie's sign.  
  
BARRET: What is that meant to say?  
  
YUFFIE: Stop the super market plan!  
  
BARRET: Looks like it says, "stomp the super marchet clan.  
  
YUFFIE: Well I can't spell  
  
ZELL: Finished!  
  
Zell raises his protest sign  
  
BARRET: Zell….a picture of a nude woman wont get us anywhere!  
  
ZELL: Ah shit  
  
SQUALL: When do we protest?  
  
BARRET: Tommow  
  
The next day, Squall, Zell, Yuffie, Reeves and Barret were protesting outside the building site for the new super market. Marching in circles waving their signs about. Pikachu marched as well with a small sign with "Pika" written on it  
  
ALL: No super markets Dildo INC!  
  
We think you really stink!  
  
No super markets Dildo INC!  
  
We think you really stink!  
  
The building crew soon arrived  
  
WORKER: Allright, get lost you lot  
  
BARRET: We are not gonna let you build your super market in Coral!  
  
WORKER: Why?  
  
BARRET: Erm….Reeves why cant they?  
  
REEVES: sigh…..Cause they will destroy the wild life in doing so  
  
BARRET: Yeah what he said!  
  
WORKER: Hey boss! These guys won't let us build our super market!  
  
Quina Quen appears  
  
QUINA: You no like super market? It has yummy yummys!  
  
BARRET: Yeah but…..  
  
QUINA: Quina wants yummy yummys here! If you try stop yummy yummys then I must beat shit out of you!  
  
Squall, Zell, Yuffie, Barret, Reeves and Pikachu start fighting Quina, but Quina shortly K'Os all of them!  
  
QUINA: Ah ha! Quina mighty! Quina eat big breakfast! (Sings in victory) TRA DA DA DA LA TE DA!  
  
They dump the K'Oed bodies to one side and began building. That night at the Head quarters, Barret, Reeves and the Seeds were around the table again  
  
BARRET: They have built their super market.  
  
SQUALL: Shit! That was fast!  
  
REEVES: Never under estimate the power of a fat Qu  
  
ZELL: You can say that again!  
  
Zell massages his head where a bump was  
  
BARRET: As revenge we are gonna blow it up!  
  
SQUALL: What?  
  
REEVES: Blow it up! Blow it up!  
  
BARRET: It's my specialty.  
  
REEVES: Blow it up! Blow it up!  
  
BARRET: You Seeds are to infiltrate the super market and place a bomb and detonate it!  
  
REEVES: I will stay here and provide support via Codeic!  
  
RAIDEN: RIP OFF!  
  
SQUALL: Who was that?  
  
Everyone looks about not thinking of searching a strange cardboard box.  
  
REEVES: Anyway just call me okay?  
  
BARRET: Okay, lets go  
  
Barret, Squall and Zell with Pikachu headed for the Super market  
  
SQUALL: Hey wheres Yuffie?  
  
BARRET: The super marchet clan kidnapped her….they saw her sign.  
  
They entered the Super market and walked down the iles  
  
SQUALL: Hey, Zells fallen behind!  
  
They walked back to find Zell reading Pornos at the mag section  
  
SQUALL: Zell! Common!  
  
ZELL: Damn!  
  
They went down to the basement below the super market to find a working Factory down there.  
  
BARRET: What the?  
  
Barret calls Reeves and Squall and Zell listened in.  
  
BARRET: Reeves, we are at the basement, but they have a friggin factory down here!  
  
REEVES: According to Dinky the Computer, there's a lot of electrical apilices being produced down there.  
  
SQUALL: What's going on?  
  
REEVES: Sounds like a plot twist to me.  
  
ZELL: Ah shit! I hate those, they confuse me!  
  
Suddenly an army of workers armed with Shovels and Hammers ran into the Basement lead by Quina.  
  
QUINA: Quina thought you would try to destroy yummy yummys!  
  
Quina notices the Factory  
  
QUINA: What's this? Machine make yummy yummys?  
  
SQUALL: You didn't know about it?  
  
VOICE: No he didn't!  
  
ZELL: Who's that?  
  
BARRET: President Dildo!  
  
President Dildo emerged from the Factory, he was in fact an familiar fat Italian Plummer that everyone should know.  
  
MARIO: Hey it's me! Mario!  
  
SQUALL: AAAAAAGH! MARIO! Zell save me!  
  
MARIO: Yes I own Dildo INC! 


	6. Chapter VI: a few Active time events

1 CHAPTER 6  
  
Sephy, Red XIII and Cid were in the crater. Sephy now wore a Hawaiian shirt and shorts and they sat around a table.  
  
SEPHIROTH: We gotta find a way to capture Cloud and Tifa!  
  
CID: Hmmmmm that's a hard one.  
  
Cid rubs his rugged chin.  
  
RED: Stop that it irritates me!  
  
CID: What? Me rubbing my chin?  
  
RED: Yeah, it's so noisy!  
  
CID: Seesh sorry.  
  
SEPHIROTH: I've got an idea! We can get a Glider with an assault riffle and fly after Cloud and Tifa!  
  
RED: A Glider?  
  
CID: Where the heck do we get a Glider?  
  
SEPHIROTH: Okay! Be like that! You come up with a better idea!  
  
CID: Okay! We can hire a hit man!  
  
SEPHIROTH: You have already hurted me enough, We don't need to hire someone else!  
  
CID: No you dipstick, hire someone to go after Cloud and Tifa.  
  
SEPHIROTH: Who would that be?  
  
CID: Ah!  
  
Cid rubs his chin again.  
  
RED: Not again! Cid get a friggin shave!  
  
CID: Suits me  
  
Cid goes off to get a shave. Suddenly a voice called out.  
  
JENOVA: Sephy? Are you being a good boy up there?  
  
RED: That things still alive?  
  
SEPHIROTH: Hey that's my mum! Erm….YES MOMMY I AM BEING A GOOD LITTLE BOY!  
  
JENOVA: Be down for dinner okay?  
  
Red XIII just stares at Sephy in disbelief  
  
SEPHIROTH: What?  
  
CID Comes back with a cleanly shaved chin.  
  
SEPHIROTH: Wonder if the sister ray still works?  
  
Cid starts rubbing his chin again, it was so well shaved it made a squeaky noise.  
  
RED: Ah that sounds even worse!  
  
Meanwhile, at the Garden Head master Cid laid in a chair having a session with his therapist.  
  
THERAPIST: Okay what's the problem?  
  
H.CID: Well strange things happen!  
  
THERAPIST: Not again!…well what is it now?  
  
H.CID: Well Squall's manly hood is still talking and saying Pikachu!  
  
The therapist shudders at the thought.  
  
THERAPIST: Not this again! You sure it is coming from Squall?  
  
H.CID: Yeah, cause when this started it followed up with Squall's pants blowing up!  
  
THERAPIST: Look, I told you its in your mind….. Your sick twisted mind.  
  
H.CID: And that running lamp still haunts me in my dreams!  
  
THERAPIST: Has it got to do with anything to do with your parents? Child neglect? Abuse?  
  
H.CID: I need another pair of Y-fronts now.  
  
THERAPIST: O_0  
  
At Ether Laguna sat in his chair, grinning at the thought he ruled the world. Suddenly Kiros Entered.  
  
KIROS: Mr President Ward is able to speak again!  
  
LAGUNA: Really? That's good news! Send him.  
  
Ward entered  
  
KIROS: But Erm….  
  
LAGUNA: Ward how you fell?  
  
WARD: Shit,  
  
LAGUNA: Yeah I fell like shit too  
  
WARD: Bastard,  
  
LAGUNA: That wasn't nice Ward  
  
WARD: Crap, Fart, Shit  
  
KIROS: That's the thing……he can only say swear words.  
  
WARD: FUCK!  
  
LAGUNA: Oh well done Ward now the story is rated 13!  
  
KIROS: Better get him fixed before he gets it at 17!  
  
Laguna looks out the window.  
  
LAGUNA: Man the sun is still huge?  
  
KIROS: Erm….that isn't the sun…. that's meteor  
  
LAGUNA: Oh? Where's the sun then? Oh there it is! Agh I am blinded!  
  
KIROS: You shouldn't stare at the sun sir.  
  
LAGUNA: A bit late now isn't it? Any way what's that meteor doing there?  
  
KIROS: Apparently it was summoned by this chap called Cloud and a girl called Tifa.  
  
LAGUNA: How you know that?  
  
KIROS: This very nice guy called Sephiroth E-mailed the Secret service and told them.  
  
LAGUNA: How can we tell this Sephiroth guy is reliable?  
  
KIROS: For goodness sake Sir! It's a comedy we have here! You can't take everything so seriously!  
  
LAGUNA: Grrr….Okay send The Turks after this Cloud and Tifa then!  
  
(Sorry about this chapter being short, hope everyone is keeping up with the plot. I would like more reviews cause I am felling a bit ignored here.) 


	7. Chapter VII: The Dildo INC conspiracy

1 CHAPTER 7  
  
Zell wakes in a prison cell along with Squall, Barret and Pikachu  
  
ZELL: Where am I?  
  
BARRET: Don't worry, you're with me!  
  
ZELL: Oh shit  
  
SQUALL: We were captured and token to Dildo INC's headquarters.  
  
ZELL: Huh? Didn't we put up a fight?  
  
SQUALL: Yeah, but they beat the crap out of us like always.  
  
BARRET: Oh oh! Can we explain it more by doing one of those flashbacks?  
  
SQUALL: No they make me dizzy when everything goes all wavy.  
  
BARRET: Oh please?  
  
SQUALL: Fine  
  
Everything goes all wavy as the scene changes.  
  
ZELL: Hey, kinda like an LSD trip  
  
The scene changes Back to the super market at night.  
  
SQUALL: Hey, Zells fallen behind!  
  
They walked back to find Zell reading Pornos at the mag section  
  
SQUALL: Zell! Common!  
  
ZELL: Damn!  
  
ZELL: (Present voice over lapping) Hey I remember this part! I didn't need reminding thank you! Get to the bit with Mario  
  
SQUALL: Oh okay  
  
Everything goes all wavy again and the scene is in the Super market's basement, Squall, Zell, Barret and Pikachu were surrounded by workers armed with shovels and hammers along with Quina. And Mario just appeared.  
  
MARIO: Yes I own Dildo INC!  
  
Squall was hugging Zell in fear so tightly Zell passed out.  
  
SQUALL: Whoopsie  
  
BARRET: What's with all the Machinery fatty?  
  
MARIO: As if I am going to tell you…..Well anyway this factory is producing lamps!  
  
SQUALL: Lamps? What kind of evil scheme is that?  
  
MARIO: Everyone knows Lamps hold great power!  
  
SQUALL: Everyone does?  
  
MARIO: This supermarket was just a cover for this factory so I can produce Lamps and rule the world! Ga hahahahahaha!  
  
QUINA: Fat head President betray Quina! Fat head President told Quina he was only interested in sharing food with world!  
  
MARIO: Well you were a fool Quina  
  
Workers surrounded Quina threatening him with their hammers and shovels  
  
BARRET: Enough crap!  
  
Barret fired his arm gun at Mario, but cause Mario is so fat the bullets just bounced off him.  
  
MARIO: Aha! Quad helpings of Pizza has saved me again!  
  
Squall summoned the Guardian force Bilbo baggins. Bilbo appeared on a flash of green light and flew about the place sending light, explosions and stuff all over the place.  
  
SQUALL: Guardian forces always have to make an entrance don't they?  
  
BILBO: Okay I am here, Prepare to face my wrath evil forces!  
  
Mario gave Bilbo's foot a small slight kick  
  
BILBO: Aggggghhhh!!!  
  
Bilbo flew away  
  
SQUALL: I didn't know it was possible to be anti-climatic and pathetic at the same time!  
  
MARIO: Prepare to be kicked shit less  
  
BARRET: Oh what you gonna do? Jump on me?  
  
Mario jumped and flattened Barret  
  
BARRET: Ugh! He jumped on me  
  
A worker approached Squall and hit him over the head with an shovel and knocked him out.  
  
MARIO: Take them away! And that Pokemon too!  
  
Everything goes all wavy yet again an we are back to the present in the prison cell.  
  
SQUALL: And here we are! In a cell!  
  
Suddenly the cell door opened an a prison warden Zell knew very well entered  
  
ZELL: Oh no not you!  
  
MEAN MAN: Yes me!  
  
Mean man kicks Zell between the legs, then repeatingly kicks him when he is down  
  
MEAN MAN: That was fun…erm…what was I here for again? Oh yeah, is there a Pikachu here?  
  
PIKACHU: Pikachu!  
  
MEAN MAN: That's right, where is he?  
  
PIKACHU: Pikachu!  
  
MEAN MAN: Yeah I know, but Where?  
  
PIKACHU: Pika pika!  
  
MEAN MAN: Huh?  
  
SQUALL: That is Pikachu!  
  
MEAN MAN: Oh right, come along now.  
  
Mean man grabs Pikachu and carry's him off  
  
ZELL: Pikachu! Nooooooo!  
  
Crappy sad Pokemon music starts, tears flooding from Pikachu's eyes and Zell was crying too.  
  
SQUALL: Man, hope this doesn't lead to one of those Pokemon songs  
  
Zell opens his mouth; Squall hastily puts his hand over it  
  
SQUALL: Don't even think of it!  
  
Meanwhile at the protest Head quarters Reeves was hastily packing his equipment.  
  
REEVES: With the others captured it be a matter of time before Dildo INC finds out the location of this Headquarters…Hey, why I am I talking to myself?  
  
He heard footsteps and hid under the table, two Dildo INC Construction workers came in and started searching the place.  
  
WORKER 1: Hey check this sign out.  
  
The two Workers look at Zell's protest sign with the nude woman on. While they were distracted by the sign Reeves got out from under the table and escaped out of the Headquarters' entrance.  
  
Mean while Mario was flying the heavens with his Wings on his back (Mario 3) and was collecting coins.  
  
MARIO: Ah yes! Ah yes! Come to me my pretties!  
  
Suddenly Mario was awakened from his dream by a knocking on his Office door. His office being on the top floor of the Dildo INC headquarters  
  
MARIO: Huh? Oh…. come in!  
  
A worker entered.  
  
WORKER: Sir, We have produced enough Lamps from our…Securt Factories…. around the world. Where are we taking them from now on?  
  
MARIO: To the Test site! There we will surround the place with the Lamps and turn them all on at the same time!  
  
WORKER: Cool, that will bring all the hippies round!  
  
MARIO: shut up and get all the Lamps ready!  
  
WORKER: Yes sir!  
  
Mean while back at the Prison cell the gang was discussing escape plans.  
  
SQUALL: I don't think that would work Zell,  
  
ZELL: Why not?  
  
SQUALL: Cause the chance of success if we used spoons to dig ourselves out of this cell is just as big as your manly hood.  
  
ZELL: Hey, No one disses my manly hood and lives!  
  
SQUALL: Then why is half of the Garden's cadets still alive?  
  
ZELL: Why you little…  
  
BARRET: Stop fighting damn it!  
  
SQUALL: Sorry, this cell is depressing me  
  
ZELL: Squall…. Depressed?….Barret doesn't want violence? Who are you two, and what have you done with the real Squall and Barret?  
  
Suddenly the cell door was opened.  
  
SQUALL: Hey, the doors open!  
  
ZELL: Who opened it?  
  
A shadowy person stood in the doorway.  
  
BARRET: I bet its Reeves, Hes come to rescue us!  
  
SQUALL: Nah, I bet its Yuffie who has escaped the Super marchet clan and come back for us!  
  
ZELL: And I say its Superman!  
  
Squall slaps Zell. The person at the door walks forward but before they saw who it was, Squall and Zell passed out again. 


	8. Chapter VIII: The second dream of the ta...

CHAPTER 8  
  
Author's note: There's something wrong with this chapter, It looks like I haven't used spacing but this is an error on the site, not my work so it isn't going to change until the guys behind Fan fiction fix the problem  
  
ZIDANE: What you mean we can't come in?  
  
Zidane and Garnet was at the Balamb Garden entrance.  
  
OLD GUY AT ENTRANCE: Sorry, but only Seeds can come in unless it is urgent.  
  
Zidane was about to walk off, but then went back and produced a cash bag from his pocket.  
  
ZIDANE: Let me in for one thousand gil?  
  
OLD GUY AT ENTRANCE: OUT!  
  
ZIDANE: You old fart.  
  
Zidane walks off to where Garnet stood waiting with Bobby Corwen.  
  
ZIDANE: Cant get in.  
  
GARNET: Now what?  
  
ZIDANE: Leave it to me, you go off to Balamb village and I take care off getting in there, I will come to find ya when I find Vivi.  
  
GARNET: Sounds like your scheming something I wont approve of.  
  
ZIDANE: I am not! Would I really do something like that?  
  
A halo appears over Zidanes head.  
  
GARNET: Yes you would.  
  
ZIDANE: (Sweat drops)  
  
GARNET: Just don't do anything I wouldn't do  
  
ZIDANE: Oh ok, I wont go about listening to people's advice  
  
Garnet gives a little grumble and walks off with Bobby Corwen. Once she was gone Zidane stood about waiting. Soon Irvine appeared.  
  
IRVINE: Damn Squall and Zell, They pinched all my Pornos and I had to go into town to get new copies!  
  
ZIDANE: Hey!  
  
IRVINE: Huh? Who are you?  
  
ZIDANE: Doesn't matter! I saw this suspicious guy a moment ago!  
  
IRVINE: Where?  
  
ZIDANE: Follow me!  
  
Zidane lead him to a bush  
  
IRVINE: In a bush? Why would he be in a bush, well maybe it would make sense if he had a lady friend hehehe  
  
Zidane started beating the crap out of Irvine.  
  
IRVINE: Owwwwww! What you doing?  
  
Zidane K'Oed Irvine, toke his clothes, put them on and hid him in the bush.  
  
ZIDANE: Ha! That was easy!  
  
Zidane went back to the Entrance of the Garden.  
  
ZIDANE: Hi ya, I am a perfectly normal Seed cadet and certainly not Zidane Tribal.  
  
The guy at the Entrance peered at Zidane's face under Irvine's cowboy hat that almost covered his head.  
  
OLD GUY AT ENTRANCE: Oh Irvine, I almost didn't recognise you.  
  
The man opened up the gates and Zidane entered.  
  
OLD GUY AT ENTRANCE: When since did Irvine have a tail?  
  
Zidane ran about Garden, as he did people gave him strange look's when they saw his tail sticking out of Irvine's pants. He went to a Seed cadet  
  
ZIDANE: You haven't seen a Black mage have ya? About 4 feet, silly hat, lamppost eyes have ya?  
  
CADET: No I haven't Irvine, what's with the tail?  
  
ZIDANE: Erm...Someone cursed me and I am turning into an Imp  
  
Zidane ran off and continued to ask people he came across. Untill he came to the classroom on the second floor where the Seeds played cards. Sat around the playing table were Quistis, Selphie, and Rinoa.  
  
SELPHIE: IRVINE!!  
  
Selphie got up and ran to Zidane before wrapping her arms round him and giving him a big sloppy kiss including tongue.  
  
ZIDANE: Wow, you're friendly.  
  
SELPHIE: Well what did you expect from your girl friend?  
  
ZIDANE: Girl friend.Right got ya!  
  
Selphie Screams.  
  
SELPHIE: Irvine! You have a tail  
  
ZIDANE: Yeah, someone cursed me and I am turning into an Imp.  
  
SELPHIE: Who?  
  
Selphie looked back at the table.  
  
RINOA: Hey don't look at me! I never cursed anybody...Today  
  
SELPHIE: Man, must be bad, your getting shorter and your face looks more uglier too  
  
ZIDANE: ....  
  
Another person at the table who Zidane hadn't notice before puts his cards down.  
  
LOCKE: Come on girl! Stop chatting and play!  
  
ZIDANE (Thinks to himself) Man that midget is shorter than I am.  
  
QUISTIS: Hey where has my betting money go? Locke did you steal it again?  
  
ZIDANE: You're a thief?  
  
LOCKE: Hey, that's Treasure hunter to you Imp!  
  
Locke rans up to Zidane and puts his hands into Irvine's coat pockets and takes out one of Irvine's pornos.  
  
LOCKE: Oh look at the treasure I have just found!  
  
ZIDANE: Gimme that!  
  
Selphie gives him a frown  
  
ZIDANE: (Sweat drops) I mean.erm. I have no idea how that got in there!  
  
Then at that moment Head master Cid came in  
  
H.CID: Ah There you are..What the?  
  
Head master Cid stares at everyone in the room  
  
RINOA: Oh crap, we're busted.  
  
H.CID: What have I told you about playing Strip Poker.Wait a minute.Irvine has a tail? Aaggggghhhhh!  
  
Head master Cid ran out of the room and ran all the way to the Garden's therapist's office, he started banging on the door.  
  
H.CID: Doctor Flish! Let me in please!  
  
THERAPIST: GO AWAY AND STOP BOTHERING ME!!!  
  
Back at the class room the Girls had packed their cards away.  
  
ZIDANE: I don't suppose any of you have seen a Black mage have you?  
  
SELPHIE: Nope  
  
QUISTIS: Nope  
  
RINOA: Nope  
  
LOCKE: Yes.er.I mean No  
  
QUISTIS: Locke, why are you still here?  
  
LOCKE: I am still treasure hunting of course!  
  
Then Zu came in.  
  
LOCKE: Oh oh, time to go!  
  
Locke threw himself through an open window and plummeted to the first floor.  
  
ZU: Since you lot have sent Head master Cid in yet another nervous break down, I will have to give your assignment he was going to give to you.  
  
ZIDANE: Assignment? What? Huh? What?  
  
ZU: You four are to check out what is with that Meteor in the sky, We have just got word from Laguna it is the doings of a great Sorceress called Tifa!!!.And some guy called Cloud.  
  
ZIDANE: You say a lasagne told you this?  
  
Zu ignores Zidane's question thinking he was taking the piss.  
  
ZU: Of course you will be paid for this assignment.  
  
Locke somehow flies back though the window he just jumped out of and landed in a desk.  
  
LOCKE: Money? Can I come too?  
  
ZU: No you cant whoever you are.  
  
LOCKE: Oh well, at least I have my treasure I found today.  
  
Locke jumps out of the Window again.  
  
ZIDANE: (Thinks to himself) That's what he thinks, I stole back that porno he toke.  
  
ZU: So anyway you are to Use the Ragnarok to hunt This Sorceress down and defeat her.  
  
Zu noticed the girls had fallen asleep during her Briefing. So she coughs loudly which wakes them up quickly.  
  
QUISTIS: Good plan Zu!  
  
SELPHIE: Yeah, understood!  
  
RINOA: Agreed, what are we waiting for?  
  
ZU: Your dismissed.  
  
ZIDANE: (Thinks to himself) Oh damn, what have I got myself into this time? Well I better go along with it or I will be in deep trouble.  
  
As the Three girls and Zidane bordered the Ragnarok outside the Garden, Locke followed them and Snuck inside the ship while no one was looking.  
  
LOCKE: Oh I am gonna steal that guys treasure he stole back, no one steals from the Treasure hunter! 


	9. Chapter IX: Escape

CHAPTER 9  
  
Squall and Zell awoke in their Cell, which they were still in.  
  
BARRET: About time you guys woke up! An open opportunity to escape occurs and you two have to pass out!  
  
SQUALL: Yeah sorry about that, had that dream again about that guy with a tail.  
  
ZELL: Yeah, my dream wasn't half bad, His Queen girl friend went to Balamb and spent a lot of time in the pub, man that was enjoyable apart from the part where a Sailor tried hitting on her.  
  
SQUALL: Yeah? Well the tailed guy beated up Irvine and went about disguised as him!  
  
ZELL: Oh man! I wished I could of seen that!  
  
BARRET: What the hell are you two talking about? Common let's get out of here!  
  
SQUALL: So this Tifa and Cloud are the ones behind that Meteor.  
  
BARRET: Tifa? Cloud? Wha?  
  
SQUALL: You know them two?  
  
BARRET: Yeah! That spiked jerk Cloud owes me money he does!  
  
SQUALL: Look, we can discuss this latter, Lets get out of here!  
  
ZELL: Yeah, so Barret who was it that opened the cell door for us?  
  
BARRET: No idea, I went out and there wasn't anyone there  
  
SQUALL: But I saw a shadowy person in the doorway! And it looked Female too!  
  
ZELL: You and your sick daydreams Squall  
  
SQUALL: But I saw someone open that door!  
  
BARRET: Oh lets stop talking and escape already,  
  
ZELL: Yeah, we must save Pikachu!  
  
SQUALL: I think we should stop Dildo Inc first Zell, then we can rescue your pet.  
  
ZELL: No! We save him first!  
  
BARRET: Okay we save the damn rodent! But lets escape from this Cell first.  
  
SQUALL AND ZELL: Right!  
  
BARRET: Good, lets go.  
  
Before they could leave the cell the cell door was shut closed on them.  
  
GUARD: Good thing I heard you lot chatting from the other room or I wouldn't have came here and shut this door and you would have escaped.  
  
SQUALL, ZELL AND BARRET: DAMN!  
  
BARRET: Aggghh! Now I am pissed!  
  
Barret fired his arm gun and blasted away the cell door.  
  
BARRET: Me happy now ^_^  
  
SQUALL: Why didn't you do that before?  
  
BARRET: I sometimes feget I have this gun on my arm, I also forgot about it a lot when Shinra used to capture me and put me in Prison cells.  
  
GUARD: Blimey!  
  
The Guard ran to a button and pressed it setting the Alarm off. Suddenly music playing to Grease lightning from the movie Grease started playing.  
  
SQUALL: What the hell?  
  
GUARD: Hey, we had to include the security alarm in the cut backs in Dildo INC's organisation.  
  
ZELL: Great, that ruins the astrosphere.  
  
BARRET: Well as long John Travolta doesn't appear and start singing I couldn't give a damn, now lets go!  
  
SQUALL: Yeah, first we escape this place, and then we find and kill the author for putting us though this!  
  
Load of Guards appear armed with Shovels and hammers.  
  
BARRET: Why are the guards still kitted out as builders? Man Dildo INC must have problems with money management. Anyway Lets Rock!  
  
Barret Started firing his gun and mowed down the army of Guards as Grease lightning lyrics filled the air.  
  
Mean while in his office Mario was up on his desk dancing.  
  
MARIO: Grease lightning, go grease lightning!  
  
The Worker who talked to Mario before ran in.  
  
WORKER: Sir! That's the alarm don't you remember?  
  
MARIO: Ah shit! What's the problem?  
  
WORKER: Prisoners have escaped!  
  
MARIO: You can tell by the Alarm?  
  
WORKER: Yeah, If it was something else it would be playing "if I were a rich man.  
  
MARIO: I see..Ah where's Lugiui when I need him?  
  
WORKER: If I recall sir, we sent him to that haunted mansion as a prank.  
  
Meanwhile Somewhere in the haunted mansion Lugiui was searching for Mario using his torch.  
  
LUGIUI: Mario?  
  
Then a Ghost appears.  
  
GHOST: OGLIE BOGLIE BOO!  
  
LUGIUI: Was that meant to scare me?  
  
GHOST: Well.erm yeah.  
  
Lugiui sucks the ghost into his vacuum cleaner.  
  
LUGIUI: Man this place isn't so scary.  
  
Then Pyramid head from Silent hill appears.  
  
LUGIUI: EEEEEEEEE!  
  
Pyramid through Lugiui over his shoulder and disappeared down the corridor with him.  
  
Back at Dildo Inc HQ things wasn't up so good for Mario.  
  
WORKER: Sir! We are losing men!  
  
MARIO: This cant be! I can't lose, because it's me, Mario!  
  
WORKER: Erm...Indeed. Sir I suggest we take whoever is left and flee on the emergency escape helicopter!"  
  
So Mario and a handful of men went to the rooftop of the Building and boarded the helicopter. Just then Squall, Zell and Barret arrived just as the Helicopter started taking off.  
  
SQUALL: Oh no, Mario is getting away!  
  
BARRET: Let me handle this!  
  
Barret aimed his arm gun at the helicopter.  
  
SQUALL: Is blowing things up and shooting things your answer to everything?  
  
BARRET: Yup.  
  
ZELL: I wouldn't want to be your tax collector.  
  
Then from the helicopter they heard Mario's stereotypical and annoying Italian accent.  
  
MARIO: I wouldn't shoot if I were you, Ive got your friend onboard.  
  
ZELL: PIKACHU!  
  
SQUALL: Damn, we can't fire at the helicopter and risk killing the Irritating Pokemon rodent that has no value to this plot and cant help us in anyway. That's just illogical.  
  
MARIO: Ga hahahahahahaha, exactly as I thought. Well bye bye fools!  
  
The Helicopter strained but couldn't get any higher than a few feet above the roof of the building. Even when the pilot put it to full blast.  
  
MARIO: What happening? Why aren't we rising?  
  
PILOT: Sir we have too much weight aboard, the chopper cant gain any more height.  
  
Squall, Zell and Barret saw their chance and ran to the helicopter, climbed on it, started whacking their weapons against it.  
  
MARIO: Hurry think of something before they get in!  
  
PILOT: We need to lighten the load sir!  
  
MARIO: what possibly could be so heavy?  
  
All the men around Mario scoffed and gave out light coughs.  
  
MARIO: Alright, for that you can all get off!  
  
Mario threw all the men but the pilot off the Helicopter.  
  
PILOT: Sir, we still are not gaining any height!  
  
MARIO: ALRIGHT! I will get off then! I can take a hint!  
  
Mario leaped off the Helicopter, with the sudden weight lifted off, the Helicopter which was still at full blast, soured into the sky at amazing speed. Taking Squall, Zell, and Barret with it.  
  
PILOT: AGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!  
  
SQUALL: AGGGGGGHHHHHH!  
  
BARRET: AGGGGGGHHHHHHH!  
  
ZELL: AAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHH!  
  
Mario watched the Helicopter disappear into the astrosphere from the roof of the Dildo Inc building.  
  
MARIO: Well that's one way to get rid of them. Isn't it my furry little buddy?  
  
Mario strokes Pikachu tormentingly.  
  
MARIO: Ga hahahahahahaha  
  
Pikachu electrocutes Mario.  
  
MARIO: Hey quit it, I am trying to look evil here!  
  
Pikachu shocks him again.  
  
MARIO: I said Quit it!  
  
Meanwhile back at Balamb Garden Irvine woke up in the bush outside the Entrance.  
  
IRVINE: Moan..Where I am I? I must be having an hangover or something, No wait, I remember monkey boy.  
  
He stood up and realised he was naked.  
  
IRVINE: The little bastard stole my clothes! Oh man I cant be found like this. I must get to my dorm without being seen.  
  
So Irvine ran around the Garden looking for a way in that wasn't guarded while covering his crotch with his hands.  
  
IRVINE: Oh man, Ive been around the garden four times already and I cant find a way in without being spotted.  
  
Then Irvine met up with another young man running about naked with hands over crotch.  
  
IRVINE: Hey who are you?  
  
RAIDEN: Who are you? Hey have you seen this bearded guy anywhere? Named Snake?  
  
IRVINE: No, Well at least I am not the only guy running about naked.  
  
RAIDEN: Hey join the club.  
  
IRVINE: Theres a club?  
  
RAIDEN: Yeah, The Naked Computer game characters club.  
  
IRVINE: Hey can I join?  
  
RAIDEN: Sure.  
  
And with that, Irvine and Raiden Ran off into the sunset. 


End file.
